i figure the only way to get through this is to write my way through it. im still a bit shaken up by the whole ordeal and my moods have been swings from calm and coolheaded to wtf and tears. though through it all me thinks im handling the right way, as i stopped caring what other people think of what i write. after all, its my blog, if you dont like what i write in here, then why the fuck are you even reading my stuff to begin with?
well the fact of the matter being that im now single again. it was a simple break up and quite quik at that as well… i do apreaciate the fact that she told me in person, though i wasnt really prepared for it all. personaly i kinda blame myself. of course thats where the blame usualy rests.
but i should be strong willed and move on to other prospects or gals. i mean, come on, its a fact of life, you cant live with women, and you cant live without em. well… you can its just that the human race would just up and go extinct with out em.
but i miss her already! i need to see her! oh wait a minute, she dumped me. that means she dont want nothing to do with me, but i miss her still! everything reminds about her from the purple lettering on the drivers handbook to the pictures of grapes we have on the wall, to even pictures of hearts on the walls.
get ahold of yourself man! be a man and start hitting on anything with boobs! dont be a fucking pussy about this, you read it your self, you knew what she thought the relationship was going to be, you heard the words “shes breaking up with me” revolve in your head the minute you walked out that front door! and yet you still fell head first into, you sorry son of bitch!
BUT I MISS HER! i thought we were going to have lunch together and joke around for the day until her class started! i wanted to hear her heart beat, to feel the warmth of her skin against mine, the wieght of her body, to hear her laugh or giggle, to hear that happy go lucky charm in her voice! you calm down and tell yourself that just because you dont really feel a damned thing that your just going to get over her and move on when you know that deep down inside your still floating through the rebound stage!? how dare you suggest such an improper way of handling things! why the hell should you choose to go through the break up like that!?
BECAUSE THATS THE WAY ITS ALWAYS BEEN YOU STUPID JAGOFF! you saw her face. normally shed be all smiles but it looked as though her heart was tearing itself to shreds, she was withdrawn and cool headed! you think she gave a second thought to breaking up with you? you think she went and found someone better prepared forl ife then you? huh? what? are you just going to sit there and go “IM A POOR BABY THAT GET OVER WOMEN, AND I MISS MY LITTLE CAASI!” no. she moved on, as hard as it was to say those words, and as much as she didnt like saying them at all, she said them just the same! and you just sat on your fucking ass and made jokes about it! YOU ARE THE MOST SELFISH UNCARING PERSON IN THE WORLD! YOU HAVE NO HEART LEFTOVER!
YOU SON OF A BITCH! HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT!? i proved to her my love when we were together and she must have had a damned decent reason to break up with you had you not been so fucking careless, had you not scared the fuck out of kerry or terry or whatever her name was!
she was weird to begin with you overreacting poor foolish bastard! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK SHE WOULD SAY TO YOU RIGHT NOW HAD SHE THE SECOND CHANCE AND HAD YOU NOT BEEN A FUCKING COWARD ABOUT IT AND SPOKE YOUR MIND!? huh, do you think it really matters right now? do you? because ill tell you one really important thing right here morgan edward james gavin. one fucking damned good thing. you loved her and she loved you, and the saying all good things must come to an end rang loud in your ears this morning and you fucking choked. you couldnt even say good bye, you cant do a damned thing with out someone holding your hand, oh look at the little baby now. waa waa waa. thats all i ever hear from you!
oh youve done it now, im not heartless, nor did ever, EVER HARM A HAIR ON HER HEAD! so how dare you, belittle whatever romance there was, i miss her too damn much, and although i cant do a fucking thing about it except keep my distance and get through this the best i can, you can be damned sure that i do have a heart, and that heart took a hit that was beyond anything ive ever experienced, so what? cant i miss her one last time before i finally go through the process of getting over her? I LOVED HER WITH MY ENTIRE BEING!
and yet you were there when she needed you most were you? so yeah, you sit there all high and mighty cursing your tattered heart while it flutters in the breeze like a broken sail in the sea of emotions you have going for you, ill be busy repairing whatever damage there was to the rest of the ship you blaoted sense of self. pheh….. you make me sick to look at you when ever your in this state of mind. you cant let anything go easily, oh yeah, remeber this? “simba? simba sue where are you?” you ended up shutting down your emotions little by little and now even if you do have some sort of heartbeat in that old husk of a human being you call your body, there is no fucking way im going to let you purge yourself of the memories you had with her!!!!!
fuck you! im not going to forget the memories i had with her anyways, they were all good! yes i do blame myself for not being there when she needed me, but you know what she found someone that could take care of her when she needed it and you pretty much gave it all away!
that hurt man… that fucking hurt. coming from someone like you i bet its making all the difference right now. for all you know she could have been using you for whatever reason and she saw the warning signs hat you werent up for the task, what with you…. it doesnt matter to me anymore, nothing does. im tired and weak and just filled with anger and sadness right now. before her i was empty inside and broken hearted all the time with thoughts of dying for no reason at all. i thought that dying would be perferrable to not having anyone to love me, someone that i oculd talk to about anything and could confide in. then caasi came along and brightened up my whole world, i feel instantly in love with her, i didnt have one single reason that i couldnt think of to not fall in love with her, but i did it anyways. i fell in love with the most beutiful woman in the world and i enjoyed ever single miute of time i spent with her, even the times where we were just hanging out talking about random things i loved. so dont go saying that i was a worthless pile of crap, because you know as well as i do that now that shes gone and out of reach, whatever light that she brought with her is now gone with the wind, and only the coldness of your own self doubt will darken your mind once again.
it may have been only a week and a half, but it by far, THE BEST week and a half ive ever experienced. we even planned our first date together, and i was looking forward to going to the movies with her and her son. but now that everytime i think about it i cant help but cry over it. and even when i dont, im trying hard not to get depressed over the whole thing. theres just too much going on that i need to get focused on, drivers licence, jobs, but i cant help it, i loved her with all my heart. and she took my heart with her and dropped it on the way to the door. she even warned me in the peom glass heart what was coming. it hurts too much to write any more…
i miss you caasi, and wish you the best in life, and wish only for your happyness.
good luck and good bye il mio sogno bella.
